It is devastating to find out your partner has been cheating on you. It’s even worse when they repeat the same behavior after a similar episode in the past. This is someone you trust to treasure your relationship and place what you nurtured in high esteem. But they have repeatedly broken their promise, and it is causing you deep pain that only someone who has gone through the same betrayal may understand.

Cheating is the term used when an individual forms a sexual or emotional bond or a mix of the two with someone else who is not their primary partner. A serial cheat takes it a notch higher and has multiple relationships.

If you are in a relationship with such a person, you will likely experience mixed feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, loneliness, and helplessness. That’s why it is taking a toll on you. This article will discuss what you need to know about serial cheaters, why they could be cheating, and what to do about it. Let’s dive into it and help you get a clear picture of what is happening.

Is Your Partner Really a Serial Cheat: 5 Irrefutable Signs

You always want to be sure your partner is actually cheating on you, even when they say they stopped the behavior. Some may deny it and play the victim by turning the blame on you. But there are some general signs. If present, they will help you confirm if your partner is cheating. Let’s look at five of these signs.

1. Suspicious Communication

Your partner may receive frequent suspicious texts or social media messages from various people. These messages show a deeper level of communication outside pleasantries or basic life conversations. The obvious ones are the ones that are flirtatious in nature. Your partner may try to explain it away. Still, the undeniable fact is that they are attempting to form another intimate bond outside your relationship.

2. Unexplained Use of Money and Time Gaps

Your partner may begin to show up later than usual or leave the house earlier than their normal time. They may also start having extra meetings and trips on weekends or holidays without clear evidence of their existence. Coupled with other signs, your sixth sense begins to pick up that there could be something more to it. It becomes even worse if asking for clearer evidence of the engagements or spending is met with hostility.

3. Reports from Various Sources of Cheating

Although you should not rely on rumors, consider them when close or trusted friends or colleagues tell you that your partner has been acting suspiciously or seen on several occasions in a questionable situation or environment. If you receive information from several sources about probable affairs, consider having a serious conversation with your partner or re-think the relationship.

4. Secrecy and Lying

Since they are trying to balance multiple relationships, a serial cheat will adopt a pattern of telling small lies, or “forget” to reveal certain information, or plainly keep secrets from you. You’ll notice they fail to mention certain people or events that occurred until you ask them or someone else to mention it in conversation. They will also try to dismiss questionable parts of a story or event or change the conversation.

5. Detachment

You may notice your partner is distant when they are with you. They may also reduce the investment they were making in the relationship. If they used to place emphasis on spending time together, they may start minimizing the need to be together. You’ll also notice their emotional or sexual closeness isn’t as deep as it was in the beginning.

Related: How To Get Out Of A Toxic Relationship

How You Process Your Partner’s Serial Cheating

Once you notice the above signs and confirm your partner is cheating on you again, you may experience serious emotional turmoil and feel like your world has come to an end. Various ways you may process the cheating discovery are:

• Find it hard to accept the truth by denying that it is happening. You tell yourself this can’t be real or minimize the cheating. You may also tell yourself you saw wrongly or are taking the evidence out of proportion. At this stage, accepting the truth is painful, and you’re trying to create an alternative reality.
• Question your perception of the world. As you slowly accept that the repeated cheating is going on, you will begin to doubt everyone’s motives and agendas. You may find it hard to believe what others tell you or question why they relate with you.
• You doubt your sense of worth. As you reflect on your partner’s behavior, you may doubt your worth of being accepted and desired in a relationship. You think you don’t have what it takes to be in a relationship. You further question what you thought were your good qualities and now appear as flaws.
• You become angry at yourself for not seeing the signs, especially if the cheating happened within your circle of friends. You judge yourself harshly for missing the signs, being clueless, and causing yourself so much pain.
• You question everything you experienced with your partner before the cheating began. Was it all a lie? Did they mean what they said? Were they genuinely happy with me, or were they pretending? You’ll feel the entire foundation of the relationship was a lie, and everything you had will appear fake.

As you experience these emotions and thoughts that could be taking a toll on you, you’ll contemplate whether to leave or stay. For instance, you’ll calculate the price you paid for committing to this relationship and if it’s worth walking away from it or waiting to see how your partner responds.

Reasons Your Partner Could Be Cheating on You

A study published in the Journal of sex research surveyed 562 people who had been unfaithful in a relationship and asked them their motivation for doing it. The main reasons given were anger, sexual desire, esteem, neglect, lack of love, situation, low commitment, and seeking variety. Other deep-seated reasons your partner could be cheating are represented in the table below.

From the above table, you can see that it is the cheater who has challenges they need to deal with. It has nothing to do with you as a person. Even though you may have had difficulties in the relationships that you may have contributed to, ultimately, it is the cheater with the problem and not you. Understanding this truth will help ease or relieve the guilt, despair, and shame.

How to Cope When Your Partner is a Serial Cheat

Finding out your partner has repeatedly cheated on you takes a toll on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. If not dealt with, it can affect all other areas of your life—short or long-term. The following are coping tips you can apply to avoid getting to this point.

Accept the Feelings

The betrayal happened, and it is normal to experience various emotions—for example, shock, pain, fear, confusion, and despair. Do not try and block them, but allow yourself to process them in a healthy way. Be patient with yourself, and remember it takes time for these emotions to go away. It’s okay to grieve the current status of the relationship.

Seek Support

Even though sharing at first may be difficult because you fear people will judge you harshly. Keeping it to yourself is even worse. People are really understanding, especially those who care deeply for you. Share your concerns and hurt with your close family members or friends. These people will encourage you and help you overcome self-doubt and defeating thoughts.

Find Yourself

When infidelity occurs, people tend to lose faith in who they are and keep dwelling on the identity they had in the relationship. Yet you were a whole person before you entered this relationship. If you immerse yourself fully in the relationship and forget yourself, it is time to reclaim your old hobbies. Think about your likes and dislikes and what you want to do with your life. It may seem impossible at the moment to think of life without your partner in the picture, but as you start to focus on who you are and your future, you’ll begin to have faith that you can make it.

Keep Off the Blame Game

After episodes of serial cheating, the automatic reaction is to start blaming your partner, yourself, or the third party. Going on this road will cause you continuous heartache and endless stress. Blaming does not change the past. And revenge doesn’t help you find peace. Instead of pointing fingers, have compassion on yourself, look for areas you can improve on yourself, notice your partner’s flaws but do not demonize them, and assess the entire relationship’s underlying issues. Focus on solutions, not faults.

Seek Counseling

Processing the emotions that come with cheating can be overwhelming for most people. An experienced counselor can help you think through the issues and guide you in deciding whether you want to end the relationship permanently or try to work things out. If you wish, you can include your partner in the process in an environment where a neutral third party can direct the discussion in a productive way.

At Clarity Counseling and Training Centre, we offer counseling for individuals or couples going through various relational issues, including cheating. We will help you process your feelings, think deeply about your next step, and find healing. Contact us today, and let us help you get your life back on track.