LOVE OR AN ADDICTION?

The number of relationships in today’s world that come to a devastating end is mind boggling to say the least. Young people looking for love have tales to tell. For most, it is of the hallowing experiences of modern-day dating.

While for most it’s a one-time occurrence, it has become a pattern for some. It’s the story of people who love too much. People whose lives are characterized by relationships where they fall in love easily, and experience a roller coaster of emotions when the relationship is starting out. Emotions that make them feel alive, that make their world look brighter.

A couple of relationships like this down the line; and by now the victim is broken, convinced that there are no good men/women anymore, and that they are not lovable or that they are cursed.

You ask the person why they stayed in such relationships and the answer will always be love. The kind of love that makes one abandon all reason and be willing to exist for another.

But is this really love? In their eyes yes, but in truth, these relationship patterns only exist with individuals who refer to their addiction as love.

You see, the number of addictions that human beings are prone to are countless. But people can be addicted to the idea of love or to relationships and call it love.

So how do you know when it’s an addiction and not love?

1. 1. You are terrified of abandonment, and you refuse to walk away even when there’s clear evidence that your partner does not love you. They commit serious atrocities against you but you still stay. They could be a perennial cheat who doesn’t even bother to hide their tryst from you, or a user who constantly demands money, holidays, and an expensive lifestyle from you but you still stay.
   2. Nothing else works, except the sex. Sex with them is mind blowing, or so you think. Your toes curl at the memory, and you live for those moments.
   3. You always have an explanation as to why they do the things they do. You even try to be their therapist. Talking about how they grew up in a dysfunctional family.
   4. You’re constantly holding on to your insides for dear life. Because it’s a rough ride. The rougher it gets the more in love with him/her you become. They more they hurt you, the more you love them.
   5. Nice guys/girls simply will not do. They don’t challenge you; they don’t excite you. You think they’re boring. God forbid you end up with one. Somehow, you always end up bundling those ones out of your life.
   6. You sacrifice your personal integrity for the sake of the relationship. If you have pulled out someone’s hair, beaten someone; begged your partner not to leave; done the things that your sense of personal dignity goes against, then your personal integrity has been compromised.
   7. The love you feel for them is so strong you just want to give them everything you can to prove it. You give them money, you offer yourself, and yet it’s not enough to stop them from cheating or to get them to treat you the right way.
   8. You purr like a cat when they tell you what a great person you are. That you’re wife material, that you would make such a great husband. Their words spur you on and you continue to invent new ways of making them happy. Giving them more money, buying them expensive gifts, tolerating more of their bad behavior. And yet they never commit.
   9. You like them damaged or broken. All your previous partners have one serious flaw or the other. They are too broke and are completely reliant on you, they are always seeking refuge from a failed marriage/broken relationship, or they have serious emotional and psychological issues.
   10. You cannot bear to be alone. The end of one relationship means the beginning of a search for a new relationship. In fact, the thought of being alone scares you so much that when there’s no one to call a partner, you’d rather spend your evenings high on anything that helps you forget that you’re alone. So, you probably have another addiction as well. To food, to weed, to alcohol, to the TV. Anything to provide the comfort that a partner would provide.
   11. You’re willing to take the fall for his/her mistakes, because in your eyes they could never be wrong.
   12. Everyone else sees the problem, but you don’t. Your friends most probably do not like him/her. And they waste no time making this clear. But you think they’re just jealous, or they don’t know him/her as well as you do.

If a lot of these things are true in your case; then what you call love, is not love. You’re simply an addict. Addicted to the pain, addicted to the drama, and the vicious cycle of destructive relationships that have most probably taken a toll on you by now.

The way out is to seek help. Such cycles are caused by deep rooted problems whose origins are shaky family upbringing or deep-seated dysfunctional beliefs; and are the major cause of unstable marriages.

Individual affordable therapy sessions in Nairobi will help you identify the real issues, heal from past traumas associated with unhealthy attachment; and develop the necessary skills to establish healthy relationships.

Jane Gacheru.

Certified Counseling Psychologist with nine practicing years in Individual, family and marriage counselling.

Founder of Clarity Counseling & Training Centre.