Ruby and Dan were having a conversation about their failing love life, and each was wondering why specific patterns were repeating themselves. For example, Ruby always poured her heart out in loving her partners, yet they would eventually complain that she was too much in their space and asked for excess attention. Dan, on the other hand, found it hard to keep one relationship for more than three months. When he felt the ladies wanted a deeper emotional connection, he would go quiet or break things off.  

What Ruby and Dan do not know is that the repeated relational patterns they are having partly stem from their childhood experiences. Their families taught them how to bond, and now those unconscious lessons predetermined how much closeness they could tolerate as adults. 

You could also be experiencing the same dilemma by wondering why you cannot form deep and lasting intimate relationships. It is likely due to the attachment style you acquired growing up. This article will discuss the four attachment styles and how they shape adult relationships. At the end of each style, we will suggest ways to overcome this learned childhood pattern.

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is a healthy style of attaching occurring in the early years. It refers to a childhood pattern of relating where a child feels listened to, and understood, and can rely on caregivers. This lays the foundation for self-confidence and trusting others in adulthood. Let’s look at an illustration to explain how it occurs in childhood. 

Temo falls and hurts his knee while playing. He immediately runs to his mother, who tells him sorry, hugs him, and cleans the wound, reassuring him that all will be well and he can go back and play. If this pattern is repeated for Temo for most of his childhood, he will form a secure attachment because he knows his needs matter and he is worthy of love and support. 

The secure attachment formed in childhood becomes the foundation for relating intimately to others later on. When a child’s emotional needs are responded to consistently rather than being ignored or minimized, they will develop a sense of confidence in expressing vulnerable feelings openly.

How it Shapes Adult Relationships

People who feel secure in their intimate relationships as adults don’t stress about their partners leaving them or getting too close. They’re good at finding the right mix between doing things on their own and doing things together. They find a good balance between being independent and depending on each other. Other characteristics of an adult who has formed secure attachment are:

• You feel comfortable being vulnerable and relying on others for support without worrying about negative judgment.
• You don’t experience intense anxiety when a partner is unavailable or needs alone time.
• You don’t cling desperately to partners or feel unable to soothe yourself when alone. 
• You possess the ability to express your emotional needs clearly rather than acting out when feeling insecure or neglected.
• You have an overall optimistic view of intimate relationships even when there is a conflict.

Since secure attachment is the healthy type of attachment style, there are limited challenges that need to be addressed when it comes to attaching to partners. The only suggestion would be to nurture open communication and trust in the relationship. You can make positive strides by taking an emotional intelligence course suitable for all adults seeking to form healthy, all-rounded relationships.

Avoidant–Dismissive Attachment Style

Avoidant-dismissive attachment style refers to a childhood pattern of emotional neglect, where the child’s expressions of needs are frequently ignored or rejected. This teaches them to shut down vulnerability and rely on themselves into adulthood. We will explain using Temo’s example above but with the avoidant-dismissive approach. 

When Temo falls and hurts his knee, instead of receiving comforting care from his mother, his tears are met with impatience and dismissal. The mother responds angrily, “Temo, stop your unnecessary crying. It’s just a scrape; don’t be so dramatic. ” Rather than receiving treatment for the wound or emotional validation through a hug, Temo is shamed for expressing vulnerability through his tears. 

The message gotten when this situation occurs repeatedly throughout his childhood is that the emotional world does not matter—it is wrong to have needs or desire for someone to care about them. An adult who underwent this treatment sees intimacy as threatening. It evokes the feelings of a defenseless child still pleading unsuccessfully for attentive affection from the mother.

How it Shapes Adult Relationships

Adults with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style hide their desire for closeness without realizing it. They act all independent and distant to cover up their wish for connection. Because they’ve learned that showing they need someone might make them feel embarrassed or left out. Other characteristics of an adult with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style are:

• You feel very uncomfortable expressing emotional needs or vulnerability because it provokes feelings of shame or fear of rejection.
• You prioritize self-sufficiency and independence over intimacy in relationships.
• You subconsciously suppress inner deep needs for closeness and connection, defaulting always to distances and emotional control.
• You often feel doubtful about the reliability or good intentions of romantic partners when they want more closeness and availability from you.
• You struggle with trusting partners fully, keeping them at arm’s length to protect against expected disappointment or abandonment.

How to Overcome

Overcoming avoidant-dismissive attachment requires you to take little steps toward showing your feelings, like telling a close friend about a worry. As you receive care and support from them, it helps break down the walls from past hurts. Also, understanding and dealing with the feeling of shame when you express your needs is important. 

The most effective way is to work with an experienced counselor to help you process your emotions and past wounds. If you are already in a relationship, changing how you see things and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can gradually break down those barriers and avoid a breakup. 

Related: Why Childhood Trauma Could Be Causing Your Psychological Struggles

Anxious–Preoccupied Attachment Style

Anxious or preoccupied attachment style arises from inconsistent nurturance or care in childhood. These children learn to anxiously cling to any crumbs of care, fearful of recurring abandonment or emotional deprivation when needs aren’t met. Let’s continue with Temo’s example to illustrate.

When Temo runs to his mother after hurting his knee, sometimes he receives the compassionate comfort he craves. The mother will feel sorry for him and clean the wound gently while hugging and comforting him. But other times, the exact needs are met with coldness or even annoyance. If the mother is on the phone, she will brush Temo off angrily. Or she may show frustration, shouting at Temo to clean up himself rather than providing care.

Over time, a child in such a setting becomes anxious about voicing their needs because the responses are so inconsistent. They learn to beg desperately for care one minute, then suppress their feelings entirely the next, afraid that showing pain will trigger abandonment in the person involved.

How it Shapes Adult Relationships

Adults with anxious-preoccupied attachment can’t stop worrying that their partners will leave them. Because, as children, they didn’t always get the care they needed. So now they’re frequently anxious and always want reassurance from their partners that they’re loved. Other characteristics of an adult with anxious-preoccupied attachment are: 

• You desperately crave intimacy, affection, and reassurance from your romantic partners to ease abandonment fears.
• You have an insatiable need for closeness and connection, feeling insecure and distressed during even brief separations from your partner.
• You perceive greater problems or threats in the relationship than actually exist, reacting strongly to minor issues.
• You engage in protest behaviors like constant calling or dramatic emotional pleas when sensing distance from your partner.
• You come across as high-maintenance or “too needy” in relationships due to unending demands for time, affection, and emotional availability.

How to Overcome

Healing from anxious-preoccupied attachment means dealing with the fear of relationships by boosting your own self-worth. Learning to first deal with abandonment issues before entering another relationship will help overcome the overdependence on others’ approval. A therapist from a reputable Counseling Centre can walk you through these processes. You’ll learn to comfort yourself when anxious without always needing someone else to reassure you. With time, you will realize you can handle ups and downs in a relationship without perceiving it as an impending disaster.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Disorganized attachment arises from fear of primary caregivers themselves, often due to abuse or neglect. With no organized strategy to get their emotional needs met, these children display confused behaviors. By now, you know the drill😀, we will use Temo’s example to illustrate.  

Temo’s mother is an alcoholic, and her scary temper and cruelty when drunk shape the disorganized relationship. On most days, his mother mildly attends to Temo’s physical needs but ignores his emotional needs for affection. Occasionally, late at night, his mother becomes violent, sometimes beating Temo severely if he cries. Other times, his mother holds Temo tightly for hours as a sign of care, refusing to release him even as he pleads.

Children who grow up in such a chaotic environment experience distress and confusion about whether to show their needs or not. They question whether relying on others risks being attacked or staying at a distance is safer.

How it Shapes Adult Relationships

Disorganized attachment is different from other styles because it’s about how someone deals with emotions in relationships overall. When caregivers cause distress instead of comfort in childhood, it messes up how you understand signals in close relationships as an adult. Characteristics of a person in a disorganized attachment style are:

• You often misinterpret or inappropriately respond to emotional cues in relationships, struggling to decode communications accurately.
• You may experience periods of confusion around intimacy needs, unsure of what you want or need from partners.
• You alternate between desperate clinging for affection and then complete distancing even from safe partners.
• You feel utterly lost trying to explain why relationships fail, though the fault likely lies in your chaotic reactions rather than any given partner.
• You behave in ways that often perplex and exhaust intimate partners, like unpredictably flipping between neediness and coldness week to week.

How to Overcome

Healing from disorganized attachment means carefully looking into your own feelings with a therapist who understands trauma. First, you need to figure out where all the emotional chaos comes from. Then, you practice being aware of what sets you off and learn to handle getting close to people by building trust slowly in safe relationships. It’s also important to talk about your confusing feelings instead of hiding behind walls in your mind. With time, you can feel more secure inside and have healthier connections with others. Get in touch with Clarity Counseling and Training Centre to book your first session with a knowledgeable and compassionate counselor.