Why You Must Avoid Throwing Your Pearls To Pigs

Here I am at the end of a busy week at work, and I am just thinking of the sessions I have had with my clients. One of the recurring themes I recognise in my clients’ lives, is the existence of relationships in their lives that are damaging them more than they are helping them. I am talking about relationships with spouses, friends and parents that are draining the life out of them.

And what is the problem?

It is simply where my clients have chosen to invest their energy.

This brings me to this scripture which spoke to me in such a profound manner in regards to the nature of the relationships that sometimes we pursue to our detriment.

Matthew 7:6
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you into pieces.

Could it be that we fail to discern who and what is worth our trouble and the time?

You see life is in such a way that it brings us into contact with different types of people. We have people who love us and appreciate us for who we are, people who love us for what we have and the opportunities their association with us will provide them, and then we have those who don’t even know how to love in the first place, and everything revolves around them. Even their once in a while kind gestures are only engineered to get more out of you.

Most of us have learnt to believe in the lie that the last two categories of people (who are not really interested in our welfare) can only be ‘other people’ other than those we deem close to us notably our friends, siblings, spouses and parents. And so when we find these patterns in these people who are ‘supposed’ to love us unconditionally, the pain of this reality cuts deep into our souls like a butcher’s knife.

It is of course very tempting to point the finger at these ‘toxic’ parents, siblings, and spouses in support of the apparent ‘victim’ here. But if one is to get themselves out of this kind of pattern and save themselves the heart ache, then it means that there are some changes they need to make in their own thinking, feeling and behaving.

The apparent victim is most often an easy target of such people because of these reasons:

a) They are eager to please

b) They suffer from a poor self esteem and believe that some people are better than them.

c) They have a martyr mentality. They believe that love is supposed to be painful. Otherwise it’s not love. That tolerating other people’s bad attitude and behaviour is the evidence that they love them.

d) They believe that everyone should approve of them and love them; which is irrational.

e) Because of their belief in (d) above, when they don’t get the results they are looking for out of others, they are most likely going to try and ‘buy’ the other person’s affection. How? They will give them gifts, do everything the other person demands, make sacrifices that cost them financially, emotionally and sometimes even physically, try and be nice to them even when it hurts; they will basically lick the other person’s boots to get their attention and affection.

f) And the highlight of this article. Because of their poor self esteem and perceived inadequacies, they tend to pursue what is ‘unreachable.’ Now, I must be clear here in terms of what I mean by unreachable. The term unreachable here means that they perceive the other person as ‘special’ and ‘unattainable’ because:

1. 1. The person’s attitude of aloofness and emotional unavailability appeals to the apparent victim. This is especially true if the ‘victim’ here has grown up in an emotionally deprived environment where one or both parents are emotionally unavailable. They tend to get attracted to emotionally unavailable individuals and chase them to be in relationships with them.
   2. The person could be highly successful or possess a charming personality that draws people to them and which they use to manipulate people.
   3. The person could be a very demanding person who is hard to please. Always criticising the apparent victim, ridiculing them and looking down on them.

As you can see from all these descriptions, these people are not worthy of the attention the apparent victim gives them. Nor are they worthy of the lengths the victim is willing to go to so as to keep them in their lives. And yet, the ‘victim’ will go to any lengths to keep them even neglecting other relationships with people who live and appreciate them. Now these three categories are the ones who we will refer to as the ‘pigs’ in this article.

Unfortunately, quite a number of us find ourselves caught up in this cycle, convinced that if only the other person were to change, then we would be fine. So we continue to buy gifts, suppress our anger when the person upsets us, present the ‘best’ versions of ourselves to them, clean up their messes, try to be their therapists. All these and more, until we cannot take it anymore because the pain is too much, or the relationship breaks down because now you started nagging and attacking when you couldn’t hide the bitterness anymore.  How can we avoid getting here in the first place?

1. 1. Don’t invest in relationships and people that keep taking more from you than they are giving you (And not financially because people have different abilities). However, giving other people our affection, respect, and time cost nothing. It is all dependent on what we prioritise, you can choose to keep certain friendships and cut some people loose.
   2. Choose who stays in your life based on their character. It is pointless to get into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person in the hope that they will change for you. A friend or partner who keeps criticising you, belittling you and shaming you in the presence of other people and never has a word of encouragement for you is a pig waiting to gluttonously consume everything you have to give. A cheat will not change because of how much you sacrifice for them. Neither will a drunkard.
   3. Establish healthy boundaries with people. Even with those closest to you. Anyone who thinks they should not be held accountable for their actions towards you has no business being in your life. Anyone who wants to abuse you: financially, emotionally and physically needs to either change and treat you differently or be out of your life.
   4. What if these people are your family? Those who you really do not get to choose whether or not they stay in your life?

If who you are is not enough, and they keep wanting more out of you and they: compare you to others, keep criticising everything that you do even when you have done your best to please them, deprive you of affection until when it is convenient for them probably because you have done them a favour, then stop bending over backwards for them. It is never going to be enough. And no, you can’t fix them either. Be yourself.  Do only that which is comfortable for you to do. Don’t pay bills you cannot manage to pay, or sponsor luxuries, or take loans for them, or fail to give your honest opinion so that they can be comfortable around you.

Learn how to confront in a healthy way. This can be done by going for therapy with professional psychologists in Nairobi so that you can acquire the necessary skills to do so. Bullies feed off of their victims’ inability to stand up for themselves. When the tables are turned, the bully will go and look for an easier target.

Stop pegging your happiness on their loving you in your own specific terms. Such as calling you now and then, or picking your calls, or returning your affection. It is okay to love them, however, you hold the ultimate power to choose how to feel about what they do or do not do. And that’s where therapy with professional psychologists in Nairobi comes in.

Sometimes healing requires us to accept that others are the way they are. If your parents are toxic and abusive, there’s a possibility that they will never change. If your sibling has withdrawn from you and doesn’t want to be part of the big happy family vibe, it is their choice. There’s nothing you can do about it, except accept it, and not allow it to get to you.

Avoid personalising other people’s behaviour. What they choose to do is not a reflection of who you are. If your parents or spouse are incapable of love, it is not because you are not lovable. If your partner chooses to cheat, that is a personal choice. Whereas it is important to explore what is going on in the relationship in therapy, the person still made a conscious decision, that is a reflection of their character and not a reflection of who you are as a person. Understanding this will free you from the cycle of trying to buy their affection.

Don’t fight fire with fire. Loosing yourself in the name of giving others a taste of their own medicine is not worth it. Unlike what most people believe, not yelling back at someone who constantly yells at you, or picking your siblings calls even if They don’t pick yours is not a sign of weakness as long as it doesn’t lead to you yielding to their demands. It’s a sign of emotional maturity. Your sanity is worth more than the energy it will take you to keep up with their unhealthy habits.

All these actions will require self discipline, and a change of perception from ‘victim’ to seeing how we contribute to our own psychological problems.
Save your pearls for those who acknowledge their Value!

Jane Gacheru.

Certified Counseling Psychologist with nine practicing years in Individual, family and marriage counselling.

Founder of Clarity Counseling & Training Centre.