The Emotional Vampires In Your Life.

What is an Emotional Vampire?

We have all probably watched a vampire movie at least once. We like them because vampires are flashy, fun, sexy and full of life. And why not?! They drain it out of humans. In the movies, the vampires supposedly fall in love, and actually suppress their predatory impulses to take care of the object of their affections. (If they are lucky) Not so in real life though! Not even love will tame the actual vampires around us.

If you’re reading this, chances are that there’s a vampire in your life. Yep! Only you don’t know it because they feed on your spirit; not your blood. And they are not as fast either, they keep their victims alive longer than their blood sucking cousins.

How do you pick them out from the crowd?

1. They go around telling other people about you, and feign innocence. If the vampire is a colleague at the office, they will tell other people how incompetent you are. If they are a ‘friend’ they will use what you told them in confidence, especially if it exposes a certain weakness.
2. They are forceful and controlling. They use this to get you to do what they want. Should you refuse to bend to their will, they will shame you in public, insult you, or belittle you, or even try to make you feel guilty for not doing what they want. Others will want control over your money; and soon they’ll be telling you who to see or not (even family) or even how to dress. They are gifted manipulators and they have been known to make their victims start questioning their sanity, or even the validity of their feelings. Their defense against any confrontation regarding their actions is always: “you’re too sensitive”, or “you’re hearing/seeing your own things”, or “you’re not a good wife/husband”. They somehow manage to convince their victims that everything that has gone wrong is their fault. The goal is to make you feel inadequate and become emotionally dependent on them.

3. They use their charm to get away with murder. They never play fair. Quick to turn on the charm; they flatter people in authority to get their way. They do the same thing to their spouses and friends. If you have a very strong need for approval, watch out for this type, they will exploit this need to make you ignore their crimes. They are very good with compliments, and even confessing their ‘love’ in very grandiose ways; until they get what they want out of you, and you will be forgiven to think that you were close.
4. They somehow convince you to do the heavy lifting If you’re in a relationship with them, whereas they do the bare minimum to sustain the relationship. Their victims (especially spouses) take out loans for them, cook and iron to their specifications, or pay for expensive holidays the vampire demands for, whereas he/she is always too busy to meet your needs.
5. When you raise a concern about the way they treat you, they dismiss you, or tell you that you’re imagining your own things. If you have given them too much to feed on, they have no qualms telling you to do whatever you want as opposed to taking personal responsibility for their behavior.
6. They think they are more important than you, or any other person for that matter. Everything they want you to do for them is an emergency. Goodluck getting them to show the same level of loyalty towards you.

What to do with the vampires in your life.

1. Recognize what drew them to you. Vampires don’t just pounce. They identify their prey before they strike. Are you too desperate for validation? The martyr and victim mentality always attract abusers who take advantage of your need to be regarded as a nice person or your need to be loved by others to prove your worth. If indeed you find that you are desperate for validation, consider looking for the best counseling services Nairobi has to offer at Clarity Counseling, we will help you navigate all the situations regarding all emotional vampires in your life.
2. Don’t over function in your relationships. If you keep giving, the other person has no responsibility to exercise over that relationship. Stop stretching yourself thin for people who won’t do the same for you.
3. Learn to confront people when they don’t treat you well. Any sign of disrespect should be addressed with the other person. If the person continuously trivializes your feelings or thoughts especially when you confront them, you may need to walk away from that relationship.
4. Recognize the way they manage you and deal with that. It could be silence, anger, humor, tears, blame etc. Vampires will always try to divert your attention away from addressing their mistakes. Wait these tantrums out, (calmly), and bring the subject up again. If you have a live-in vampire, it would be a good idea to learn how to manage your own emotions so that their silence or tantrums for that matter no longer get to you. Recognize this as a strategy to throw a cloud of mist on their misdemeanors. Don’t let them get away with it. Sometimes ultimatums are necessary to make them listen to you. This is what it takes to earn a vampire’s respect.

Play nice at your own peril!