How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids

Emotions are a very important component of the human personality and as such, emotional awareness and expression is very instrumental in developing a healthy mode of self expression.

People who lack the capacity to express their emotions struggle to understand themselves, regulate their emotions or even to communicate with others effectively.

We all know that boss at work who can barely talk for two minutes without shouting, or that colleague who shuts down when things are not going their way, the bully who uses their anger to manage other people or the passive aggressive person who uses sarcasm as a weapon when they don’t get what they want.

Like most aspects of our personality, emotional development takes place mostly during our childhood years. Children learn mostly in unconscious ways how to express and regulate their emotions from the adults around them. Therefore parents are very instrumental in shaping how a child functions emotionally.

Here are 5 tips to help you as a parent, to train your children on how to express and manage their own emotions.

1. Label feelings in a concrete manner
Parents can model this for their children by labelling their own feelings when communicating with their children.
For example, instead of one saying ‘I feel bad’ one can use a specific feeling word such as sad. ‘I feel sad.’ The term ‘bad’ is ambiguous when it comes to communicating feelings, as ‘bad’ could mean a lot of things, hence confusing even the person who uses the word as to how exactly they feel. As a parent, you can develop an emotions vocabulary which you can help your children use to describe how they are feeling.

2. Let them know, through your own behaviour, that it’s okay to be open and Honest about how they feel.
If your child notices through your facial expressions that something is wrong and asks you; it is okay to say that you have had a tough day instead of telling them not to worry about you. Children who grow up with parents who shut down when they are experiencing difficulties tend to do the same. Worse still, they might start to feel the need to parent you or ‘be strong for you” which is unhealthy for a child.

3. Encourage the Use of “I” statements when one is expressing him/herself.
‘I’ statements will help both you and your child to own your feelings, behaviour, and thoughts. This will raise your emotional awareness and hence help you understand what to do with your emotions. When you’re able to assign what you feel to yourself, it’s impossible to run away from it or deny those feelings. Your children will feel less threatened by their emotions if they learn to label them as theirs from a young age. When used positively, “I” statements lead to positive conversations instead of frustrated shouting.

4. Help them to regulate their emotions.
Self regulation is the ability to manage your emotions and behaviour even in a highly demanding environment. It comes with the ability to resist highly emotional reactions to words or actions that are highly upsetting; and to calm yourself down. Children who get highly distressed, cry a lot or throw tantrums, usually have problems in emotional self regulation.
Parents can help children regulate their emotions by:

• Refusing to give in to tantrums
• Avoiding to pacify them when they are acting out
• Coach children through difficult and frustrating situations, and then let them practice by themselves. For example, if your children have trouble taking a “No” from you, you can explain to them why you have refused to do what they ask, and walk them through accepting other people’s ‘No’ by listening to how the other person sees the situation.
• Reward their behaviour when they are able to take your refusal or even the other person’s refusal in a calm manner.
• Avoid responding to meltdowns in a judgmental or emotional manner. Instead, respond in a calm manner, and encourage the child to reflect on what went wrong and what would have been a better way to fix it. Remember they model after you in terms of how you respond to situations.

5. Create a safe Environment for your children.
If we want children to express their emotions and tell us what is going on within them; then as parents, creating a safe atmosphere is very important.

• Ask them how they feel
• Let them know that their thoughts are important
• Listen to them without laughing at them or mocking how they feel or even trivialising their thoughts or emotions.
• If they mess up by over reacting, don’t over react in return. Point out your displeasure in a calm manner.

At the end of the day, raising an emotionally healthy and intelligent child will depend on your own self regulation skills, as well as intentional parenting.

These 5 tips will help you raise mentally healthy children who will express their emotions positively. 

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