After a tiring day at work, Beatrice was angry at her colleague who took credit for her work. When she got home, she immediately called her friend June and talked negatively about her coworker. A classic example of toxic venting.

She kept repeating how the colleague was sent from hell and bent on making her life miserable. June felt uncomfortable hearing the ugly names Beatrice called the coworker. After 15 minutes, June was quick to cut the call due to a pressing matter and didn’t answer the phone when Beatrice called again.

The above scenario shows how venting can become unpleasant and even harmful to the person on the receiving end. Toxic venting involves verbally expressing emotions in an uncontrolled, destructive, and unproductive manner that rubs the listener the wrong way. A person is considered to be engaging in toxic venting if they:

• Make broad statements like “I hate everyone.”
• Scream or rant without restraint
• Resort to insults or name-calling
• Dwell endlessly on the negative
• Rarely reflect on themselves

Venting can be a healthy way to deal with pressing emotions and unresolved issues, but how you do it also matters. This article will discuss steps to take to avoid toxic venting.

Set Clear Boundaries Ahead of Time

Establish clear boundaries before calling or going to talk to someone. Set expectations on the time limit, decide which topics are off-limits, and clarify your needs as you engage the person. For example, tell your friend you need to vent for 10 minutes and to stop you when you overly attack someone.

Confirm the listener is in a mindset to hear you out and not just start talking without considering their mental state. When venting, have the boundaries in mind and go back to them when you go off-track or notice you are becoming too upset. Boundaries help you maintain focus and prevent the conversation from turning into a toxic encounter for you and the listener.

Avoid Generalizing

When expressing feelings of frustration and anger, it is easy to make broad statements such as:

• All people are selfish
• My family is unreasonable
• The world is against me
• No one appreciates my efforts

Such statements create an “us vs. them” or “you vs. me” mentality that adds more fuel to the already upsetting situation. Instead, aim to be more specific about your predicament.

For instance, rather than saying my coworkers are lazy, explain how Ben leaves all the work to you and appears busy when the boss walks in the room. Restating it this way helps you understand the problem and find solutions.

Watch Your Language and Tone

The language and tone of your voice can change the conversation from being constructive to becoming toxic venting. Screaming, yelling, or ranting loudly at someone who is not the “perpetrator” causes them to feel uncomfortable and makes the interaction unhealthy.

Even when you use a calm voice, insulting someone, or using profane language crosses the line from healthy to toxic venting. Remember to keep your tone and language in check and speak respectfully. If you feel yourself moving into toxic territory, pause and take a deep breath before you continue.

Related: Is Your Anger Out Of Control? Here’s How To Manage It

Limit the Audience

Venting your emotions should be handled with care by deliberately choosing a trusted confidant to share your sentiments rather than exploding to just anyone. Venting to every person you encounter or posting angry social media posts comes across as lacking self-control or attention-seeking.

The best move is to thoughtfully choose one or two close friends or a professional counselor who can listen without judgment. Limiting the audience helps you avoid spreading toxicity and maintain close relationships with others. Not everyone can handle listening to you share overwhelming emotions; choose people who can manage offering a listening ear and still be available next time.

Focus on Solutions

After expressing your frustration in the first few minutes, redirect the conversation to ways you can solve the problem instead of dwelling on the negative aspects. As you share, ask yourself how you can deal with the challenge more positively or what lesson you’ve learned.

In addition, be open-minded to listen to constructive advice from the listener and not reject their view so that you continue with toxic complaints. Instead of just having your friend listen to you, use that opportunity to hear another person’s point of view and what they would recommend as the solution.

Calm Down If Emotions are High

Venting in a productive way requires understanding emotional intelligence and ways to self-regulate. If you feel angry feelings rising or an anxiety attack may occur, stop and calm down before talking again. Breathe in and out several times or ask your friend to talk about something else for a minute or two, then go back to the topic.

If balancing your emotions while venting or in your day-to-day life is a challenge, consider talking to a professional counselor who will help you get to the route of your emotional challenges. You can also sign up for our emotional intelligence course, which will teach you how to manage emotions and live an emotionally balanced life. Book your session today with us.