Does the current situation in your marriage feel like the beginning of the end? Are you unsure if it’s just a temporary issue or something that requires professional marriage counselling in Kenya?

While no one wants to have a troubled marriage, not every problem in a marriage is a sign of doom. Some problems are a passing cloud, while others are red flags that require our attention, because they pose a danger to the wellbeing of a marriage. 

Recognizing red flags in a marriage is essential for timely intervention and healing. Many couples may dismiss early warning signs as mere bumps in the road, believing that they can work through their problems without external help. However, ignoring these indicators can lead to a breakdown in the relationship over time, making it increasingly difficult to repair the damage. By acknowledging red flags, couples can take proactive steps toward addressing their issues and seeking the assistance they need.

Moreover, recognizing red flags allows couples to engage in self-reflection and evaluation of their relationship dynamics. It encourages them to assess their feelings, behaviors, and the overall health of their marriage. This self-awareness is crucial in understanding the underlying issues at play and can serve as a catalyst for change. When partners are honest with themselves about their relationship’s state, they are better equipped to approach each other with empathy and understanding.

Lastly, being aware of red flags can foster a sense of urgency and motivation to seek help. Couples who recognize that their marriage is in jeopardy may be more inclined to pursue marriage counselling in Kenya, understanding that intervention can lead to positive change. This proactive approach not only helps to address existing issues but can also prevent future conflicts, ensuring a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.

Let’s dive deeper into these indicators and discover how professional marriage counselling in Nairobi can help bring about positive change.

Constant Criticism? It’s Time for Marriage Counselling in Kenya

Criticism in a relationship occurs when a person addresses their concerns in a way that suggests their partner is the problem. 

For couples who live with each other, there are more than enough opportunities to notice each other’s faults, and even worse try to throw them in each others’ faces. 

According to Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert and marriage therapist, Criticism is one of the predictors of divorce and is one of what Dr. Gotttman calls the “ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”; a term found in the book of revelations in the bible symbolizing the coming destruction and as such, the constant occurrence of criticism in a marriage is one of the signs that the marriage is on its knees. 

It is one thing to complain about what one’s partner has done that is not pleasing; it is healthy to do so, but it is another thing to criticise one’s partner for who they are simply because they have made a mistake. 

Signs that you’re overly critical in your relationship include: 

• Implying the worst about another person’s personality based on a mistake they have made. An example of this is asking questions such as: “what is wrong with you?” or “what is your problem?”  Such questions are destructive because they are not a direct complaint about the other person’s words or actions; rather an attack on the person.
• Using exaggerated statements. These are statements that start with words such as “never” “always” “all the time” which are meant to communicate the person’s displeasure or frustration. 
• Feeling a need to use offensive language whenever you’re making statements about certain behaviors. 

 Why criticism is harmful to relationships

• It is an indication to the person being criticized that their partner does not accept them for who they are. 
• It can lead to resentment since It is a mis-informed  attempt to change the other person, and make them behave or reason according to the preference of the person who is criticizing.
• Leads to emotional detachment and loss of intimacy. Since it is hard to trust someone who hurts you,criticism tends to push the hurt partner away as they withdraw to protect themselves.
• When it is constant, it translates to emotional abuse.

Indicator 2: Unwillingness to share power

Power is an element that is present in every relationship. How we handle power in relationships is learnt from observation, especially observing our parents’ relationships as well as the other adults in our lives growing up. 

The perception of power in a relationship refers to whether or not one feels like they have a say over matters that are important to them. While power is shared in some relationships, in most relationships, it is wielded. Which means that one person is likely to have more power over the other, is likely to use that power to their advantage, and is not open to sharing power.

Signs that one is unwilling to share power

• Resisting accountability- when one partner insists on behaving the way they want and insists that the other partner should not ask them questions about their behaviour.
• Failure to involve a partner in decision making, especially decisions that affect both parties, such as:  where to live, buying or selling of property, hosting other people and parenting decisions.
• Controlling outcomes and wanting things to go your way. Insisting on having one’s way regardless of whether or not it is convenient for the other party.
• Lack of compromise. Being entrenched in one’s position or perspective without allowing oneself to see things from the other person’s perspective.

Studies show that in most heterosexual relationships, men are reluctant to share power, which is mostly due to socialization. Because of this, they are not open to their wives’ influence. According to a research done by Gottman and his colleagues where they followed 130 newly wed couples for a period of 10 years; in marriages where men were unwilling to share power with their partners, that relationship would self-destruct. 

This is because relationships are about influence. In healthy relationships, both partners influence each other which results in healthy compromises along the way; and mutual satisfaction. 

Indicator 3: You’re no longer playing for the same team 

Making the decision to get married is basically signing up to become a member of a two-person team for life.

The strength of the two-person team will be tested along the way by the realities of life such as: families of origin, careers, individual interests and preferences and friends. 

Once a couple gets married, It is natural to experience some form of resistance from families of origin, or even friends of either one of the spouses who feel as though they have been displaced by this individual’s partner. This resistance may show up in the form of in-laws attacking the spouse or trying to undermine them to prove that they are more important to their son/daughter/brother or sister than the targeted party is. Such attempts should be met with a unified front by the couple instead of one siding with their own family against their spouse. Playing for the same team basically means being cognisant of the fact that your partner’s victory is your victory and vice-versa.

Signs that you or your partner you’re not a team player in your marriage

• In a conflict, you want to win, even if it means hurting your partner or losing the relationship.
• You take sides with other people against your partner. This includes taking sides with your family, friends or children against your partner.
• You feel the need to prove to your partner, and other people that you are better than your partner.
• You have a strong need to be right, and are unwilling to examine your own contribution to any problems in the marriage, resulting instead in blaming your partner.
• Not supporting the other person’s goals.
• Lack of interest in collaborating on important decisions or plans.
• Not including your partner in important decisions.
• You refuse to handle your fair share of responsibilities.

Good team work in a marriage creates a zone of safety in the relationship; which enhances trust and growth.

Indicator 4:You and your partner are growing apart

Growing apart is not uncommon in a long-term relationship. It is often a reflection of changes in life circumstances, a change in priorities, resentment from a build up of unresolved issues, or personal growth of the partners. 

While this might end up being a phase in your relationship, prolonged detachment and lack of connectedness can potentially spell doom for a marriage. 

What Are the Signs That a Couple is Growing Apart?

• Choosing to lean on someone else instead of your partner is a telltale sign that things are on their way downhill. 
• You choose to share your news with other people instead of your partner
• There is no physical touch between the two of you.
• You stopped trying to resolve difficult issues or having difficult conversations.
• You no longer feel the need to talk or communicate at all, and conversations have been reduced to discussing chores, schedules or the kids.
• Feeling detached and indifferent towards your partner.
• You no longer have sex. 
• Spending less time with each other.
• Not caring what is happening in your partner’s life and not involving them in your life either.

This lack of engagement can create a cycle of loneliness and frustration, ultimately eroding the foundation of the relationship.When one or both partners begin to withdraw, it can create a sense of loss and longing, prompting a need for intervention. Recognizing this shift early on can allow couples to address their emotional needs and rekindle their connection before it deteriorates further. 

Indicator 5: Contempt

Contempt is a combination of dislike, resentment, superiority, and negative emotions that can seriously threaten the stability of a relationship. According to a longitudinal study, 94% of marriages where one or both partners expressed contempt for their spouse in the first sessions ended in divorce. Dr. John Gottman’s 1994 study also confirmed that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.

Contempt is a major red flag because it is a sign that one has lost their regard for their partner. And without regard for the other person, the desire to maintain a relationship does not exist. Simply put, no relationship can survive the loss of regard for the other person.If it is left unchecked, contempt can lead to detrimental consequences. 

What causes contempt?

• A misguided expression of superiority.
• Resentment from past hurts.
• Poor conflict resolution mechanisms.
• Power struggles.
• Lack of empathy.

What does contempt look like?

• Dismissiveness- This can be ignoring the other person when they speak to you, or dismissing and trivializing their words, or feelings. For example, when a partner talks about something that hurt them, and the other person instead of apologizing, dismisses their concern as them wanting to dwell on the past or telling them that they are hurt because they want to feel that way.
• Cruelty. Words and actions that are extremely hurtful and are a reflection of one detesting the other person such as throwing them out at night, spraying a drunk partner with water to sober them up or denying them access to food. 
• Ignoring one’s partner

• Disrespectful communication habits. These include non-verbal behaviour such as; eye rolling, or snorting in response to the other person’s words and using condescending tones; and verbal communication such as frequently interrupting the other person,mocking and ridiculing , sarcasm, using insulting nicknames and making insensitive jokes. 
• Invalidating feelings. This includes abruptly shifting the conversation to a different topic or pretending that you have not heard the other person’s concerns, making light of their situation, and prioritizing logic and facts over the person’s emotional experience. 

Effects of Contempt

• Emotional shut down and distancing
• Loss of trust.
• It reduces the chances of meaningful communication.

While these five indicators above do not cover the whole list of things that pose danger to a marriage, research shows that these unhealthy communication patterns discussed above can seriously erode the foundation of a marriage by creating an emotionally toxic environment that suffocates love and trust; and for this reason, seeking marriage counselling in Kenya is important. 

Seeking marriage counselling in Kenya is not an admission of failure but rather an investment in the relationship. It signifies a commitment to growth and a desire to improve the partnership. Many couples find that the insights gained during marriage counselling sessions lead to a deeper understanding of themselves and each other. This journey can transform a struggling marriage into a resilient partnership, built on trust, respect, and love.

Professional marriage counselling in Nairobi, Kenya offers numerous benefits that can significantly improve the quality of a relationship. One of the most notable advantages is the opportunity for couples to enhance their communication skills. Through guided discussions, partners can learn to express their thoughts and feelings more openly, fostering a deeper understanding of each other. This newfound communication can lead to increased emotional intimacy, which is vital for a healthy marriage.

At Clarity Counselling Centre, we believe in supporting couples to rebuild their connection and rediscover the joy in their marriage. Give your marriage the gift of healing and growth, by scheduling a consultation with one of our marriage therapists in Kenya today.